Drastic changes came to the College of Natural Sciences on April 1.....or did they?
Dear students,
It's the first week of April, and with Spring upon us there is much news to share from across the College.
State Budget Cuts Impact UT: The Department of Chemistry, reacting to budget cuts proposed by the state of Texas, has decided to teach only the odd-numbered chemical elements. Elements such as Hydrogen, Lithium, Boron, Nitrogen, Fluorine, Sodium, and Aluminum are all safe from the budget ax, but Helium, Beryllium, Carbon, and Oxygen are being eliminated to save money. "This is very difficult for me but difficult times require difficult choices," says Professor Brent Iverson, chair of the department, "I'm an organic chemist, so the instruction of carbon-based life is going to require some creative thinking." Says Susan Smith, sophomore chemistry major, "Having less of those complicated chemicals to remember can be a good thing." The eliminated elements may be restored if the Regents approve a modest tuition increase for UT.
Modernization of Math Curriculum: The Department of Mathematics, in an effort to modernize its curriculum, has decided to round the number pi to be just 3.0. The department is not the first to come to this innovation; even the Indiana legislature mandated this advance back in 1897. "We've been teaching mathematics and calculus the same way since Newton's Principia of 1687," says Professor Michael Starbird, chair of the faculty committee overhauling the math curriculum; "It's time to enter the 21st century. The engineers stopped listening to us after 3.14, and we just decided to cut this back to the point where we'd still have everyone's attention."
Astronomical Conjunction Perfected Today: Observers of the night sky of late have noticed two bright objects, Venus and Jupiter, visible in the early evening. The phenomenon is known as a conjunction, a periodic alignment of two objects as seen here on Earth in the sky. Astronomers warn that today, April 1, will also bring in to alignment the planets of Mercury, Mars, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto. "If the International Astronomical Union hadn't demoted Pluto to non-planet status recently," says Professor and Department Chair Dan Jaffe, "this conjunction could have been much more serious." Even so, Jaffe and other astronomers warn, the alignment of the other planets will likely cause a reduction in Earth's gravity. "The effect will be most pronounced at noon, and students prone to dizziness or light-headedness are advised to jump in to the air reduce the impact of this remarkable conjunction."
Discoveries in Physics: Researchers in the Department of Physics have discovered the heaviest element known to humankind at the CERN Large Hadron Collider. The new element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons, but does have one neutron, 5 associate neutrons, 25 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 119 associate vice neutrons, giving it a mass of 225. Says Professor Christina Markert, "It has a negative half-live of 10 years, meaning that it grows in size. It does not decay, but rather undergoes a process of reorganization." The team's findings seem to suggest that the fact it has no electrons makes it inert, and in fact a small concentration of administratium can slow processes ordinarily requiring 1 second down to the rate of taking over a year.
Happy April 1st,
PS: Hopefully it's clear that all the above are utterly false. They are in two cases also purloined from past pranks of astronomer Patrick Moore who pulled his stunt on BBC radio and William DeBuvitz, who garnered an Ig Nobel Prize for publishing his stunt in The Physics Teacher. And in all cases the innocent UT faculty quoted are unaware I've picked on their names, though hopefully they have their own April Fool's jokes lined up for today.
PPS: In all seriousness: Monday, April 2 is the last day an undergraduate student may, with the dean’s approval, withdraw from the University or drop a class except for urgent and substantiated, nonacademic reasons, the last day an undergraduate student may change registration in a class to or from the pass/fail basis.
PPPS: Monday April 2 is also the last day to apply for an undergraduate degree. Go here for information on applying to graduate: http://cns.utexas.edu/academics/graduation.
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